His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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