Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
