does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
