no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
