You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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