brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
