now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
