The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
