Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
