I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize