Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
