I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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