i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just invented taco cereal.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize