How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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