Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also, beer. Big fan.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
