He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
