I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
