my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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