I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
