We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
