My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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