Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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