My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
