And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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