YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
