I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
