I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
