But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
