Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
