The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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