I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
