you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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