I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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