I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
the day after is always just damage control
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
