Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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