please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
