Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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