if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
