good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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