the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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