My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Let's get the cat blown out
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
