WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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