So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize