you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
