I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Text me some of your sweat
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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