So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
