You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
