Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
