in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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