Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
