also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
