I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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