Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
