yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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