Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
