guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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