I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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