I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
