He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
