When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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