well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
