non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
