I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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