I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
