im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
