Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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