So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Let's get the cat blown out
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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