Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
