I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
