Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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