eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
